Of Santa Claus, Super Best Friends and Democracy

Edit: In hindsight I realise, all of us should count our blessings. I owe this wisdom to the Apocalypse of Acche Din.

The rule of law, at least in India, is like Santa Claus, or the tooth fairy.  You believe in it for a while, but when you grow up, you realize that you don’t need to be good for Santa all through the year.  The System, often, much like Santa, Mamta Banerjee and The Matrix, has a God complex.  There are arbitrary rules and the threat of punishment.  “Don’t you bite into that apple”, God said to Adam and Eve.  But Adam and Eve did bite into it. From looking at birds and bees, they got to play at it and procreate too. Not much of a punishment really. Fortune favours the brave, and since then, the brave, the curious and the avant-garde have always had a predilection towards breaking the law.   

The Law forbids people from randomly picking up babies, girls, little boys and women from the roads and forcibly having sex with them.  But an eleventh standard student was gang raped in my hometown, Patna, by some of her classmates.  They made CDs and MMSes and circulated it around.  A local channel covered it and submitted the CD to police.  The police didn’t take suo motu cognizance of the case and arrest the boys, even though CD and MMSes allowed for easy identification.  The perpetrators belonged to influential families.  Victim was aam junta. 

NCW member Charu Khanna, who filed a case on behalf of the victim, said there were very few arrests.  “I was told that a single individual had three names.  This creates doubts about the investigations”, she said.  The boy in custody, Rahul Lamba, was also known as Rishabh.  “The names are confusing and need to be carefully examined”, said the DGP. 

This incident was followed by three other incidents of gang-rape in the state.  There were protests, petitions, two people were injured at one of these protests when the police fired at them.  Even candle light marches couldn’t tempt the National Media to cover the story. 

Meanwhile, Saurabh and Rishabh, the two main accused in the Patna gang-rape, are still at large.  The Moral of the story - if you don’t push the envelope hard enough, you won’t know what you can get away with.  Bertrand Russell got it right years ago, when he insisted that Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal, rather than the victim.   

Of course, none of these people studied philosophy to draw their game plan.  But neither did primates need to read Darwin to develop opposable thumbs.  Some members of the species are congenitally programmed to evolve.  Case in point - politicians, criminals, conmen and Kalmadi. Morally neuter, ideologically bendy, this new breed of ubermensch is changing the world around it.  Today a different set of laws for them, tomorrow perhaps their own separate ecosystem. Cheat codes are the norm. Like Neo, they manipulate the matrix.  

We were apes before being human. Once human, we liked it so much that, believing ourselves to be the zenith of evolution itself, have since then, collectively, outvoted any sort of change.  We like endless loops, patterns we can recognize, Burberry checks and history that repeats itself; nothing too out of the box.

The burden of change and evolution is left to the Criminals who can morph into Politicians.  Or Politicians who can morph into the entitled Rich Industrialists.  Or the Rich Industrialist who can morph into the Voice and Will of the Parliament. And, of course, Dr. Bruce Banner, who can morph into The Incredible Hulk.  It’s the Masses that are unchanging - the constant.  Even when they are voting, ostensibly for change, they always herald tradition.

Case in point, the age-old Indian tradition of the Khadau.  Bharat refused the throne of Ayodhya, and, instead, installed Ram’s “Khadau” (Paduka/Slippers) and ruled in its name.  Bharat and Khadau made a good pair till Ram came back to claim what was his. 

Sonia Gandhi and Dr. Manmohan Singh make for such a pair.  Having done a good job the first time around with UPA I, Manmohan Singh is back again with UPA II.  The nominal, the titular, just keeping the throne warm, till the real ruler – Crown Prince, King-in-Waiting, Rahul Gandhi is ready to claim what is rightfully his.

At heart we are inveterate Royalists.  All we want is a King to love and a Queen to adore.  The One is who more equal than the rest of us, and will take care of us.  Whereas our Political system sets us to be a Democracy.  The most high-maintenance of Political systems: Everyone has an equal say and participates equally in decision making.  It is almost impossible.  Most people and groups, when they realize this, secede quickly, or agitate for autonomy.  So here we are in a constant state of Civil Disobedience and Non-Cooperation, even though the British left India long ago.

So just out of academic curiosity, in the spirit of experimentation, or plain perversity of spirit, since all has failed, how about a little bit of God Complex from the masses, for a change, eh?  A little bit of show of strength to fix the system that always gives in to the Supermen? It must say something about Democracy that most often it’s Fantasy writers who have come up with the most astute observations about it.

In Fourecks, Terry Pratchett suggests, as soon as the Politicians are elected, they should be arrested and locked up – it saves time.

Douglas Adams says “It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

So let’s have an entry fee for Politicians. With Great power must come Greater Lobotomy. Now who’s your Daddy?!

Have really stringent Adoption Laws.  The Really Poor MUST adopt the Corrupt Rich and share their riches and Antilla with them.  Incorporate this process in Dance India Dance, the greatest symbol of Democracy India has seen, for greater visibility and effectiveness.  

Vocational Political Education in school and colleges for the masses: a syllabus that teaches you how to get into Politics.  Right now, it’s a secret recipe that gets passed down from generation to generation. 

We also must assure common people the support and campaigning skills of Super Best Friends if they ever stand for elections. That should level the playing field just a bit.

Once that happens, non criminals, morally sound, real people, might – just might – win elections, and be a part of the decision making process and restore Democracy. Democracy, where everyone is equal, as opposed to oligarchy, or Aristocracy, where a small group of people hold a lot of power

Till then, to people who tell me stop cribbing and “be the change”:

Rome is the earliest example of our kind of modern Democracy.  When things went terribly wrong, they organized public spectacles to keep the populace occupied. Age old disaster management tactics work for us too. News channels, newspapers, Rallies, Marches, Dharnas, Enquiry Commissions. Our version of public spectacles and gladiatorial arenas where conflict is played out.

Democracy really is the opium of the masses. 

Otherwise imagine what would happen with a billion clearheaded people.  

P.S.: Also please legalize tasers.